chocolate fringe
by MarginalMary
Summary: the end of our circle where you and I run, forgetting ourselves...


I don't own bleach.

Enjoy!

* * *

**collage 1: chocolate fringe  
**

* * *

_We cannot exist this way, always in flux, sharing one life and wondering why we are tired all the time. If I am to be truly well, I must sever the chain that binds us. Even that is not enough for me to live without you. But then I see you wishing for freedom when you think I'm not looking. I don't think you even realize that you wish I'd disappear. Only that could force my hand. _

You are almost facing away from me, one eye over your shoulder, silently wishing me well. Your hand is in the air.

A goodbye to everything we were and all that remains.

The horizon line behind us, the contrast washing your face, painting it in warm tones. The quicksilver of your hair dyed over gold. Your eyes have never looked so green.

You're healthy for the first time in years.

And then you're looking forward in a direction which leaves me two options. I can follow behind or start in another direction. Because we both know I cannot stay here.

It's an odd thing, this dilemma.

Once, it seemed to me that _I_ was always the one leaving. But in hindsight, I was wrong. In hindsight, I know I've been following you my whole life.

I should have realized, but then again, I've been wearing blinders most of my life.

I was blind before, so blind, but now I see.

That I was wrong. And you forgive me.

Someone should have told me—no, I should have figured it out on my own—forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. You forgive me my stupidity, my betrayal, even my admiration of that man who never was. You celebrate my renewal as if it was my rebirth. You smile with shameless tears in your eyes when I open mine to the world as if for the very first time.

But forgiveness cannot take us back to the sunsets I abandoned, my jokes you didn't think were funny, or the watermelons we ate on the porch. Perfection can never be re-perfected. Even under the best circumstances, innocence lost is only ever wisdom gained.

We cannot go back, and I cannot remove your scars, the indelible reminders of the damage I have done. Even if you forgive me, you can never love me like you did before.

You're too good for me now. Wiser, Stronger, Self-sustaining.

Months without me, caged in sleep, passed to prove the years preceding—I wasn't there at all. I left before you noticed, was out of sight before you turned to look, was far out of reach before you tried save me.

Because, blindly, I wandered.

Now, I'm watching as your hand falls without hesitation, and you walk down the path without a glance backward. You're off again to fight the good fight, to provoke fear in fallen souls and Matsumoto if she shows up drunk to one more meeting.

All this without ever knowing how beautiful you are.

Watching you walk away is bitter. It is sweet. I am thankful and wounded. So jealous and so proud.

And with the dying sun, I feel the resolution, the end to our circle where you and I run and run, forgetting ourselves. Who chases whom, who follows behind, who runs away?

I thought I knew. But I was wrong.

Now, I am _too_ sure. And the end is fast approaching, my penance demanded.

The price I will pay is on the tip of my tongue. It tastes like tickle fights, disagreeable nicknames, and secrets whispered on the roof under shooting stars.

Tasting my grief, I have decided there will be no tears. Because my punishment is justified.

I'm letting you go with my eyes wide open, confronting all my demons, purging the splinters of my delusions.

_He_ said I was capable of nothing without him.

I watched you fall, my dragon on shattered wings.

For a slit second, I saw past my blinders. You fell hard, the impact hitting me like ice water pouring down, drowning me in the shards of his illusions. My watermelon memories screaming, telling me that _he_ was a liar.

Telling me _he _broke my dragon.

Telling me that it was all my fault.

And I'm so weak, I couldn't take it. I broke my mind because I would not believe.

Could not. Didn't want to. Refused to.

Believe.

I would not believe that I could be so naive, that I could have been so completely deceived.

Then I slept, dreaming under the freezing water, dreaming good dreams to escape my nightmare. Too soon, I woke, clinging to those foolish dreams, lying to myself over and over. Until I became my own lies.

I ran away from _us_ yet again--begging you to save the life of the man who broke my dragon, who stole my watermelon memories.

Because it's easier to be blind. Reality is... unkind.

So, I became a betrayer, betraying you. A deserter, deserting us.

A murder, murdering the circle where we run and run.

Ever the devoted guardian, you forced my eyes open wide.

Wide open to the truth I had been dismissing.

Eyes watering, I saw what was real.

Your scars. My price. Our ruptured circle.

For the first time, I _really_ looked at what had been right in front of me the whole time.

Brother, lover, friend—my life is about losing you.

Standing on this hill, I am watching as the distance grows between us, and I can't even see your hair shining, back lit by the sun.

You're that far away.

So, I feel safe saying this now, certain that you can't hear me, the bittersweet taste lingering on my tongue. "I'm not better yet, but I will be. So, I can't have you hanging around, waiting for me to go blind again. You're done with me even if you don't know it. You don't need me anymore. So, _you_ walk away this time," I whisper, choking up despite myself, "And I promise I won't follow. I won't fall apart. And I won't beg you to stay, Shir... Hitsugaya-taicho,"

I pull the bum out of my hair, gaining a new avenue of security by hiding in the soft wisps of my chocolate fringe...

**Release by Momo Hinamori**

**

* * *

**

A/N: _the human expierence _is a character collage. **Each can be read seperately or inconjuction with the others. **The POV changes each time, but is connected by the object of the previous collage becoming the focus of the next. All events are occurring in the same universe in tandem or, occationally, at the same time.


End file.
